Area Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon—With Help of Exercise Pill

“The more we exercise, the better able we are to burn more fat, a finding that could ultimately lead to a pill that could mimic the effects of exercise.” (


Local Man Wins Couch Potato Marathon—With Help of Exercise Pill

Eugene Glutney, 27, won the first annual Avaris Pharmaceuticals Couch Potato Marathon, which occurred in living rooms across the city on Saturday, with an equivalent time of 2:13:51–a full 42 seconds faster than the winning time in last year’s conventional marathon. The race is the first such marathon in a city of this size and is part of a small but potentially lucrative trend known as “pharmacompetition.”

In order to compete, “runners” had to register in July 1996, submitting their desired times to a board of judges. Only times less than four hours were accepted, a move that was criticized as elitist and exclusive by Plodder’s World, a popular website of the Slow Movement Movement. However, Avaris spokesmen said the decision was intended to foster an air of elitism and exclusivity for the race. That strategy seems to have worked. Out of 400 applications, 150 came in under the limit. Seventeen contestants submitted times of under five minutes but were disqualified for sarcasm.

The 133 remaining competitors were given a prescription for Pantax, a new lifestyle drug that mimics the effects of running. They were also given a password and a url, which they could use to download a smartphone app called iRan. Unfortunately, that app is a Farsee dictionary.

They were then given the url to another smartphone app called QUANTIFi. This app monitored their blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, body temperature, perspiration, state of arousal, TV viewing habits, sexual orientation, political affiliation, and calorie uptake and output, sending the data to MarketShark, a nonprofit data management and telemarketing firm with offices in New Delhi. The data were then used to determine the Thursday-night prime-time schedule for premium cable. In addition, the board of judges received an executive summary of each “runner’s” biometrics and calorie information.

On race day, the excitement was palpable. All across town, competitors sat in a comfy chair and began taking pills and monitoring their vital signs, which were sent via smartphone to the judges’ table in New Delhi. The judges returned the data to the Burger King on 3rd St., where they were relayed to reporters, with a side of fries and a chocolate shake. The winner received a two-tone motorized wheelchair, donated by Sloath Motors on Magnolia Blvd.

In an exclusive interview with Genotopia, Glutney said the victory was “a real victory.” He went on to say, “For couch potatoes everywhere.” A little while later, he said, “I’m real happy and.” Still later, he said, “I hope that my Mom will.”

Glutney’s mother, Mrs. Glutney, who owns the home where Glutney lives, said, “Finish his sentences for him. He’s been like that since he was 200 lbs., but of course it’s much worse after such a strenuous workout.”

Glutney, who is 5’8” tall and on race day weighed 427 lbs., has not moved from his Barcalounger since October, 2009. “He’s been in constant training—essentially 24/7,” Mrs. Glutney said. “He’s very dedicated. Although it can be hard to tell when he’s working out and when he’s napping.” Glutney’s son, Dudley, 9, said, “Dad? Daa-ad. DAD!”

When Pantax was released last year, the research community hailed it as a breakthrough drug that would combat the obesity “epidemic” in this country. Race officials were surprised, then, when 9 out of the 10 top finishers tipped the scales at over 300 lbs.

Dr. Andrew Wyre, of Stanfoo University, speculates wildly that the drug may have had unexpected side effects. “Preliminary evidence suggests that compensatory homeostatic processes may be involved. These could be upregulating certain segments of the metabolome, leading to changes in the patient’s sedentation index, which in turn result in avoirdupoisic variation contrary to that predicted by the Phase II clinical trials.” If confirmed, these results could have no influence whatsoever on next year’s race.

In contrast, reliable-sounding rumors on the blog suggest that Glutney has been offered sponsorships by Dorito’s, Bud Light, and La-Z-Boy—a sign that, if not rectally derived, could indeed bode well for the future of the race and for Avaris.

The race has proved popular among our town’s citizens, non-runners and non-non-runners alike. “I hated the marathon,” said one spectator. “With all those orange cones and cops directing traffic, it was a mess. You couldn’t drive anywhere all day. These health nuts can do what they want in the privacy of their own homes—I mean, I’m liberal, you know?—but keep it out of the streets.”

In addition to improving traffic flow, the new style race has had health benefits. Last year, two people died and 17 were hospitalized as a result of participating in the marathon. This year, the only casualty was a single case of sports-induced hyper-ventilation, caused when the Ravens scored twice in three minutes during the 4th quarter against the Steelers.

It seems certain the Couch Potato Marathon is here to stay. “We are confident that the results of this race show convincingly our dedication through research into the long, hard fight before us, and, with the medicines needed for all, health can be not just a commitment, but to the people of this great city, for everyone, until its time has come!” said Frank Lustig, a wino and sometime spokesman for Avaris.

Charley Weasley, of Sloath Motors, said, “This race shows the importance of physical fitness and we are a proud supporter. We hope all our citizens will see Eugene’s two-toned Sloath and know that they too can achieve what he has accomplished.”

The win is considered a victory for Avaris, for Sloath, and of course for Glutney.