Dear Valued Faculty Member:
It has been a challenging year for Kashkow Medicine. First, we completed the King Mullah Abdullah Medical Multiplex, the first healthcare resort to be attached to a major medical school. The KMAMM is a component of the Kaschkow International Strategy for Monetizing Yet Another Sector of Society (KISMYASS). Completing the KMAMM required purchasing one third of the land mass of our city, in addition to more than 20,000 sturdy cardboard boxes for relocating the residents who lived there. We are glad to report that the residents are enjoying the flexibility and simplicity of life in a cardboard box. That was only the beginning, of course. The twin 40-story towers of the KMAMM feature 5-bedroom luxury suites crafted to impress the most discriminating patient. Each suite comes with its own physical therapy facility, with pool, weight room, and ¼ mile indoor running track; a kitchen staffed by a gourmet chef; an occupational therapy facility, with potting studio and wood shop; a private staff of nurses; and sexual surrogates available on request, no questions asked. We designed these suites, in other words, to be like a home away from home for our most elite patients. The KMAMM also maintains three high-speed cruise ships, fitted with accommodations similar to the towers, that will make “house calls” anywhere in the world for patients who cannot come to Kashkow. We are entering an exciting age of personalized medicine. We understand that healthcare must be tailored to the unique needs of each individual. The most privileged patients, too, deserve to have their expectations accommodated, and meeting those demands is expensive.
Next, we received the news that an anonymous donor was giving us Chicago. Although this generous gift is an exciting opportunity, it comes with significant challenges. First, where will we put it? It is obviously in a bad location and besides, it is too far away. Further, maintaining a city of that size will require a major investment in infrastructure and staff. Nevertheless, with your help, we are confident that we can successfully extend the Kashkow brand to include this and other major metropolises around the world. Indeed, we are close to a deal on purchasing Greece, which is available for a song, comparatively speaking. But we can’t do it without you.
Dr. John Moneybags, the recently anointed Prince of Development at Kashkow, wishes to extend a special invitation to all faculty to be a part of these thrilling changes at our university by making a gift to the school. Although a recent article in Medical Money magazine ranks our School of Medicine faculty as among the lowest paid in American academic medicine, we remind you of the substantial fringe benefits we offer: a generous healthcare package including two free hospital stays of one night or less per year, partial tuition remission for one course per year in our Master’s program in Biomedical Business Administration, and a coupon for 5% off the full uninsured rate for a heart transplant (not to be used in combination with any other offer). These benefits amount to more than $105,000 in effective annual take-home pay. Seen in that light, our faculty are a significant resource to be tapped. In short, we value you and want to make more of you and from you.
We warmly thank all our faculty and staff for contributing to our Institutional Advancement Campaign by accepting a 10% involuntary pay cut for each of the next three years. But we think you can do more. We are asking, therefore, that you invest more of your salary by giving back to your institution through one of our many convenient giving opportunities. For those unable to commit to long-term support, a one-time gift of $1,000 will make a real difference in our inexorable rise to world domination in healthcare. The easiest option is an annual subscription of $5,000 per year, managed through our payroll deduction program (pretax!). These gifts will be acknowledged by a gold-tinted brick with your name laid in our “Walk of Fame,” which will connect Bank of America Hall to Saudi Arabia. Or consider our new “Life Member” program for junior faculty under the age of 35: pledge your firstborn child and receive a “Kashkow World” calendar, delivered to your door every year that you remain part of the Kashkow Family. Staff making less than $40,000 per year are encouraged to drop spare bills and pocket change in one of the many bright blue “I <3 KK” donation boxes conveniently located in every ward, laboratory, classroom, and meeting room on campus. They also accept MasterCard and Visa.
As the poet said, “Health is your most important asset.” It is certainly ours. Our “20×2020” campaign has set an ambitious goal of raising $20 trillion by the year 2020—which translates to roughly the amount of the national debt each year. We have never been willing to settle for “second best.” But we can’t do it without you, our third most important asset (after property). So please, dig deep and make your gift today. And again tomorrow.