DNA Supplements May Be Secret of Longer, Healthier Life

Tired? Forgetful? Feeling old before your time? Forgetful? Maybe it’s your DNA—or lack of it.

DNA-based alternative medicine is one of the fastest growing health fields today. Combining the marketing strengths of science, health, and religion, it’s no wonder that researchers are stocking the shelves and lining their pockets with a variety of DNA supplements and diagnostics. Here are some of the most exciting products and findings.

Puritan's PrideA diet rich in DNA—and its molecular cousin, RNA—is correlated with improved performance across a wide range of activities, both physical and mental, and could help stave off the effects of aging. Results of a bold new study from Kashkow University’s School of DNA and Medicine, expected to begin next year, were announced yesterday. They have been called a “breakthrough” and a “game-changer” by some of the leading scientists on the proposed study.

Dr. Cyrus Tosine, a lead researcher on the study, said that supplemental DNA and RNA could be of particular benefit to patients suffering from low energy, poor muscular strength and stamina, pain and stiffness in the joints, forgetfulness, and an inability to concen

The general result should come as no surprise, Tosine says. “DNA and RNA operate at the core of life,” he notes. “Supplemental RNA and DNA promote cellular integrity.” Independent research does confirm that the absence of RNA and DNA negatively affects cells’ ability to survive, which could be considered a form of integrity. Further, Tosine pointed out, nucleic acid activity is halted by cell death. “And when your cells die, you die,” he observed. DNA, he concludes, is related to aging. “QED.”

The research uses a sophisticated new analytical technique called “meta-meta-analysis,” which pools the results of many studies that pool the results of many studies. This gives the method such great statistical power that it can find a correlation between any two variables. Thus, it is already possible to say with confidence that DNA intake is positively correlated with all major indicators of health—and negatively correlated with a variety of diseases.

The research was hailed by the plastic surgeon Dr. Vincent C. Giampapa, M.D., F.A.C.S., one of the most prominent members of this exciting new field. “DNA is our life source,” he confirmed.
Recognizing a potential market in anxious new mothers and covering both the scientific and religious bases, one company is developing a line of infant probiotics called “DNA Miracles.” Their advantage, she says, is that “with DNA Miracles Probiotics Extra, you can rest easy knowing that you’re providing your child one of the most complete children’s probiotic and prebiotic formulas on the market today.”

Magnum DNAAthletes, too, are recognizing the benefits of upping their intake of what double helix co-discoverer Francis Crick called the “secret of life.” DNA is being mixed with branched-chain amino acids (BCAAs)—some of the building blocks of protein—to create potent muscle-building supplements. An Australian company offers a patented “coded DNA amino acid BCAA,” which contains “the perfect coded DNA amino acid sequence.” The sequence, of course, is not only proprietary but classified, lest it fall into the hands of an evil mastermind determined to clone a race of LeBron Jameses crossed with Olga Korbuts.
DNA Repair Cream

Other work centers on DNA repair, a well-established field of science. Dr. Giampapa, M.D., F.A.C.S., is author of over 700 studies showing the benefits of improving DNA with his patent formulas. “Just improving a small percentage of our total DNA can make a major difference in the quality of our health, well being and longevity.” Dr. Giampapa, M.D., F.A.C.S. says. Science is still learning how small a percentage can make a major difference, and what in the name of Watson and Crick “improving” your DNA could mean.

Where does it come from?

Not all DNA is created equal. Some of the highest quality DNA is extracted from freeze-dried lamb placenta, say some experts. Dr. Rad Bitchen, of Woohoo Pharmaceuticals, explains: “Studies have supported that sheep placenta is one of the richest source of nutrients.” Two capsules of their DNA/RNA supplement contain over five miles of nucleic acid—500 times the recommended daily allowance, set last week by Bitchen himself.

wohoo lamb placenta dnaAnimal rights’ groups, however, have protested the freeze-drying of lambs. A spokesorganism for PETNA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Nucleic Acids) notes that even in a wool coat, the young ovines must get the shivers during the process.

PETNA and others promote the use of “cruelty-free” DNA. Woohoo’s DNA also contains “marine protein,” which, Bitchen insists, is “like wicked delicious.” He emphasizes that no Marines are harmed in his process. Another company, Anathema Nucleoceuticals, makes a line of DNA-based condiments. Their biggest seller is Guano Butter, made from bat guano and olive oil. Anathema’s literature says it is delicious on whole grain toast or Ak-Mak crackers. Yet some object to DNA collected from any higher animals.

“No nuclear membrane, no problem,” says Ariadne Fishnet, of Portland, Oregon. Fishnet is a freelance farmer of sustainable E. coli, a bacterium normally found in the human gut. Extracting the DNA from bacteria is completely painless, she says, even though it eviscerates the organism. “At first we used only wild-caught bacteria, because that sounded better. But it turned out to be economically unpractical, as well as kind of gross. We have a new model of sustainable bacteria farming. All our bacteria are free-range, non-GMO, and antibiotic-free.”

Skeptics

Swanson RNA & DNANevertheless, not everyone is convinced of the value of megadoses of DNA. Dr. Ron Swanson, of the University of California at Boulder, believes that prokaryotic nucleic acid is at best worthless and perhaps damaging. “The highest quality DNA comes from steak and cigars,” he says. Further, he continues, it is not the quantity but the “balance” between DNA and RNA that provides the key to health. “Our studies show that RNA/DNA imbalance is the root cause of a variety of symptoms,” he said. “If you feel fatigue, weakness, muscle and joint stiffness, memory loss, or lack of ability to concentrate, restoring the correct balance has been shown absolutely equivocally to sometimes help stuff,” he said.

Drs. Kathleen, Elaine, and Mary, of the Natural Healthcare Ministries Research Center and Salon in Credulity, Wisconsin, believe that massive doses of DNA and RNA constitute a “one size fits all” approach that is out of harmony with what makes us all special. DNA medicine should be personalized, “Because we’re all people,” noted Mary. “Except for the sheep,” Elaine chimed in. “Yea but they’re frozen,” Mary replied. “Shut up,” snapped Elaine.

Kathleen continued, “Homeopathic energy DNA testing is based on the principle that everything in nature, even substances that do not move, gives off energy as a vibration.” Any foreign substance entering the body, she said, may have an irritating effect on the body, “because of the vibrations.” Their method, Sound Therapy On Nucleic acid Energy Depletion (STONED), is to “ test this energy (your DNA) by testing your hair.” They then correct the vibrations using a variety of cellular actualization techniques. They also offer styling and manicures, half off on Tuesday mornings.

In spite—or perhaps because— of its controversial nature, DNA medicine is clearly on the rise. All experts agree on one point: everyone should limit their intake of food that contains no DNA. Examples include processed sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, lard, and Chicken McNuggets.

 

 

 

37 thoughts on “DNA Supplements May Be Secret of Longer, Healthier Life

  1. This was a very insightful blog post as I have never thought about a DNA/RNA supplement. As the blog states it has a lot of benefits such as an increase in mental and physical performance. DNA/RNA supplements can also “help stave off the effects of aging.”

    On the contrary, I feel that more research must be done on this subject. As Dr. Ron Swanson said: “prokaryotic nucleic acid is at best worthless and perhaps damaging. “ He also says that it is” the balance between DNA and RNA that provides the key to health.”

    If researchers can (1) prove that using a DNA/RNA supplement wont have a negative effect on your health and will actually help you and (2) find the correct balance between DNA/RNA , it will be a major breakthrough in the health sciences. People will be able to life longer and lead healthier lives.

    This is a really interesting, and potentially life changing research field. stave off the effects of aging. stave off the effects of aging.

    • THanks for your comment. Latest research suggests that high-quality DNA and RNA occur in natural form. Good sources include meat, fish, grains, vegetables, and fruits. Real food may be your best bet.

      • Thanks for the insightful post. I frankly had never heard of DNA supplements, but I haven’t been in a supplement store for quite some time. I am particularly drawn to your statement, that “Real food may be your best bet.” It’s not a revelation, but sometimes we keeping searching out new ways to rephrase old wisdom. Or, perhaps to put it another way, even our most sophisticated questions lead back to the same Occam-ish answers.

        My personal dietary axiom is based on advertising, and operates under the assumption that the more money spent to market a particular food-stuff, the smaller the role it should play in my diet. Obvious examples of over-marketed items are colas and fast foods, which saturate the media. Contrast that media presence with, say, broccoli… I don’t think I have ever seen a broccoli advert.

        Using this marketing rationale means that I also tend to eschew supplements. They are almost by definition super-processed and fiercely marketed. They also seem much less practical than eating a rainbow of natural foods.

        Selecting a diet based on avoiding advertised foods is an indirect method — really a speculative toy that combines my distaste for over-processed food with my loathing for manipulative media. It also only identifies foods to avoid, saying little about what foods I should eat, or how much to eat. But for me, it works as a constant reminder that convenience foods really aren’t.

        Thanks again for the post!

        • Actually, that’s not too bad a method. Another good one (h/t Michael Pollan) is to avoid any food explicitly labeled as “healthy.”
          Glad you enjoyed the post.

      • Interesting! Woohoo!
        Tell Dr Cyrus Tosine his name is perfect for this article, since it sounds like an amino acid.
        Questions: Where is Credulity, Wisconsin and where is the University of California at Boulder?

  2. The development of DNA supplements is exciting and properly the greatest discovery, but I just want to know one thing: wont the DNA structure be permanently(maybe alter the sequence) affect in the long run if these supplements are used constantly?

    • Unfortunately, these products are too new to provide long-term, longitudinal data about prolonged use. However, extrapolating the best current results suggests that the risks are small. One recent study considered by my own group suggests that over time, high DNA intake may form small supplemental chromosomes. Their impact on the body depends, of course, on the genes these extra chromosomes spontaneously form. Proceed with care.

    • Excuse me? Some of us happen to live in a very nice world, filled with happy clean rich people, swimming pools, beautiful vintage automobiles and shining children who will save the world someday. I hope that you will think more carefully next time, be a little less selfish, and consider those more fortunate than you.

  3. This is a very insightful blog and I find the research that is being done very extraordinary . It interesting to see what DNA and RNA can be used for but how exactly is the DNA and RNA put into a suppliment? Does the suppliment help regenerate and form more DNA and RNA?
    And based on what one of the skeptics in the article said about causing an inbalance in the DNA an RNA, has this been a noticed side affect of these suppliments?

    • According to an industry spokesman, the DNA and RNA are lovingly extracted from the anal sacs of two-toed sloths (who are naturally anaesthetized and in fact have to be brought slightly awake for the process). As you know, DNA in particular comes in very long chains–up to six feet in ordinary human cells. So in order to be packed into a gelcap, it must be folded extremely carefully, lest it break and lose much of its potency. This is achieved by six-year-old Vietnamese children, who have the small size and dexterity to pack the capsules without damaging the DNA. Some liberal activists are upset about this form of child labor, while others point out that their families are starving, child labor is a way of life for these people, and in addition to their wages they are given 60 capsules of DNA/RNA per month, which they can consume themselves, distribute to their families, or sell on the streets in hopes of a better life.

      Watson and Crick showed that the double helix structure meant that DNA could act as a template for itself. Thus one (extremely rare) side effect of DNA supplements is the growth of back hair and a craving for termites.

      The DNA imbalance is an extremely controversial finding. While some GWAS findings point clearly to a natural “set point” in DNA/RNA ratio, critics point out that the existence of an average does not imply evolutionary or physiological significance.

      Thanks for asking the tough questions!

  4. Ha ha ha! I am so glad I happened to stumble on this in your blog’s archives!

    I especially love your (Genotopia’s) responses to comments here! Such as your wacky rationales for eating a good diet. And proper care of Vietnamese factory children…

  5. Gwynne H. Davies (naturopath and clinical ecologist) in his Overcoming Food Allergies recommends: 4 RNA/DNA tablets with the noon meal. Unfortunately, he does not give the strength of the tablets. Here in the US, I was able to obtain Solgar’s RNA/DNA (100mg/100mg), but I’m unclear how many tablets to take. Would 4 tablets be too much? (The bottle indicates one (1) tablet per day, with a meal.
    I want to take the maximum possible with this product. Please advise.

    Once I’ve used the Solgar product, I’d be very interested in using your spray product, though it seems quite pricey. Thank you in advance for any help you may be able to give!

    PS: In the Solgar product, the RNA is ribonucleic acid; the DNA, deoxyribonucleic acid… 525 mg of debited Brewer’s yeast is also included.

    • Personally, I prefer organic, free-range RNA/DNA, which I get in food. Vegetarian sources of nucleic acid include nettles, borage, salsify, fiddleheads, purslane, and lamb’s quarter. Meat-eaters can get nucleic acids in a variety of forms, including chicken, fish, shellfish, beef, pork, sea urchin roe, sea cucumber (an animal, despite its name), sparrow, cricket, and cockroach. But don’t overdo it: consistent high doses of food have been linked to obesity. Bon apetit!

        • Oops typo, GMP, not GMO
          My third question is, how can I consume 1g of RNA/DNA and still avoid gout? I am stick-thin, and almost a vegetarian but I have had gouts in my toes, thumbs and wrists.
          Thanks.

        • Hi and thanks for your comment. I am not a medical doctor and nothing on this site should be taken as medical advice–see your doctor.
          However, what you describe has plenty of support in the literature. Of course, this is precisely the mechanism by which zombies, vampires, and werewolves are formed. Personally, I take no chances: I consume nothing but human DNA. Since I began this diet five years ago, I’ve never felt better! Lost a few friends, but I think it’s been worth it.

  6. This is hysterical – especially the comments. I feel like I’m reading something by Dr and Mr Haggis-On-Whey – only (generally) true.

    Bookmarking your blog for future amusement. Thanks!

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  8. Ridiculous, rude, misleading article that has no place except comedy. Should not be confused by anyone as health advice. Sad to see people posting things like this when people are looking into actual health concerns. Moral compass broken.

  9. I find it most “comforting” that satire is alive and well yet saddened that it’s too lofty for so many of your readers. We’re doomed, I tell ya!

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