From: “Dean Benjamin Franklin Lucre, MD” <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: July 16, 2011 8:59:59 AM EDT
To: “email@example.com”, “firstname.lastname@example.org”
Subject: Kaschkow University Medical School brand and name equity: Use of the brand mark
Friends, Subjects, Stakeholders:
We are asking for your help in our ongoing effort to optimize the Kaschkow University Medicine (TM) name equity and brand. And when I say “we” I mean me, and when I say “asking for your help” I mean that resistance is futile.
As many of you know, as of July 1, the Kaschkow University Medical School is a publicly traded company, represented on the Shanghai, FTSE, Deutsche Boerse, and other international stock exchanges. This move represents the culmination of our great tradition of service.
Founded in 1845 as an almshouse for the crippled, diseased, and disadvantaged, Kaschkow has evolved through many stages: public hospital, teaching hospital, private research institute, and now a Fortune 500 company with an annual budget greater than that of the Czech Republic.
The Kaschkow University Medicine (TM), brand mark represents our five-part mission of profit, research, teaching, patient care, and profit. Use of the Kaschkow University Medicine (TM) name benefits both the user and our Organization. But mostly the Organization. It enables potential customers and investors to identify our fiscal, intellectual, and clinical property. Indeed, the Kaschkow University Medicine (TM) name equity and brand mark are our most important assets. More important than our patients. More important than our research. More important than you.
Occasionally, our Marshalls (formerly “Department Chairs”) and Secretaries General (“Division directors”) depart from the officially sanctioned logo, color scheme, and boilerplate text in a misguided effort to make their program stand out. While, in principle, we applaud the entrepreneurial spirit of such activities, these or any other expressions of individualism must and will be punished, for the following reasons:
§ Use of anything but the Kaschkow University Medicine (TM) brand mark confuses our administrators, shareholders, and patients, sending them to the drug store, and often to the liquor store. Such self-medication is counter-productive to the Kaschkow International Strategy for Monetizing Yet Another Sector of Society (KISMYASS);
§ Creating any image, phrase, or idea other than that officially sanctioned by our VP Marketing denies your program the blessing of the Good Dean of the West Campus—and incurs the wrath of the Wicked Dean of the East Campus. You do NOT want this to happen. Just ask the “Emeritus” Premier of Pharmacology, next time you pass by the basement of the old Physiology Building; and
§ Any use of other marks dilutes the name equity and effectiveness of our brand. This, actually, is the main reason.
We remind you that there is only one official Kaschkow University Medicine (TM) brand identity. It and only it must appear on all materials used or possessed by anyone affiliated with Kaschkow Medicine. This applies to websites, Powerpoint presentations, brochures, screensavers, stationery, Post-It notes, stethoscopes, writing implements, clothing (including but not limited to scrubs, surgeon’s masks, nurses’ uniforms, garter belts, fishnet stockings, dog collars,…ah, excuse us, got carried away,…), barware, coasters, and anything else you wear, use, or display. All of these items may be purchased, with before-tax Kasch Dollars, from the Kaschkow Store, conveniently located in the courtyard between the al-Forwun and Oneforal buildings. In addition, all vehicles failing to prominently display the Kaschkow logo on the hood, roof, doors, and (where applicable) trunk will be considered fair targets for the University snipers.
As a reminder, the punishment for failing to comply with University policy on matters deemed to be of strategic importance is public flogging for the first offense; death for the second offense; and promotion with full tenure for the third offense.
We are here to help. The urge for originality (Self-Expression Disorder) is a diagnosable condition and can be treated with a combination of counseling and medication. Kaschkow offers all its subjects free diagnostics, and supports treatment at 80% plus a $10 copay. To arrange for an educational session contact Francis F. Doublespeak, Director of Brand Management and Reprogramming, at email@example.com; for diagnostics and therapy, contact Mistress Candace, Director of Identity Management and Humiliation, at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dean Benjamin Franklin Lucre, MBA, MD
Overlord and CEO, Kaschkow University Medicine (TM)